Gayann's Story

//So here's my story.
>
> I too had my first experience with sexual perversion at around 7 or 8 years
> old. It was during one of those doll house experiences with a neighbor who
> was older than I. We were playing the part of parents and somewhere during
> the process kissing and fondling got in the picture. I felt akward and
> somehow knew it was wrong, but I didn't stop him because I liked him. By
> the time I was eleven this event had happened a number of times with this
> individual and later another family friend. Around the same time I got into
> reading hardcore romance novels and playboy magazines. These sexually
> explicit information, along with my exposure to heavy petting (kissing and
> fondling) eventually led to masturbation. My imagination fed off the the
> things I read and watched and created my own mental porn screen. The bible
> refers to this as a reprobate mind, and though I was physically a virgin at
> the time, I was able to arouse myself through my thoughts.
>
> I was spared the full consequences of my thought life when I got saved at
> 16. However, I fell away a year after. I remained a virgin until my early
> twenties, but was still tormented mentally with sexual images that I did not
> know how to handle. My first sexual experience happened a month before my
> 21st birthday. It was with my then boyfriend. At the time I felt the
> decision would solidify our relationship and guarantee his love. How naive!
> That was not the case at all! I had a few boyfriends between then and when
> I rededicated my life to the Lord six years later. My encounters left me
> feeling empty and stupid and made me realize that sex it and of itself will
> not guarantee love.
>
> However, my real battle with sexual purity began once I decided to
> rededicate my life to the Lord. At the time I got saved I was in a dating
> relationship. In my spiritual immaturity I did not speak with anyone about
> the challenges this was creating in staying pure. Instead of breaking off
> the relationship, I decided to get him saved (guess somewhere during my
> decision to follow Jesus, I had become Jesus). That's when everything went
> wrong. Shortly after I realized I was pregnant. The devil went to work and
> inflicted me with condemning thoughts. I felt like a failure, wanted to
> leave the Church and even contemplated an abortion to cover my sin. I did
> have my son and the love from the people at NCM encouraged and strengthened
> me. At the same time the situation with my son's father had taken a turn
> for the worse. When I was six months pregnant, I found out he had been
> cheating on me with another female. Our relationship was officially over.
> Needless to say I was devastated. Although I knew he was not good for me, I
> still could not shake the pain and rejection I felt. It was as if someone
> had pushed a knife through my heart. Although I still cared about him I
> also hated him intensely, it was difficult to believe that I even knew God.
> It was the messages I received at Church, the support of close friends and
> feeding myself with the word that got me through that period. Yet, the
> battle was about to get worse before it got better.
>
> I had not spiritually dealt with my hurt, pain and rejection. Infact the
> situation with my son's dad brought to the surface feelings of insecurity,
> and inferiority buried deep within my subconscious. I also began to develop
> destructive thoughts. As this was not my first relationship that ended due
> to unfaithfulness I began to question my person morality and value system.
> Why should I be faithful if it's not going to last? I began to feel that it
> made no sense to get emotional about a relationship, just keep it strictly
> physical, to avoid getting hurt. The devil had me thinking the way he
> wanted and soon after provided another opportunity for me to fall. One of
> my friends introduced us when my son was nine months. I enjoy playing
> dominoes and saw him regularly during the Friday night domino sessions. He
> was goodlooking, funny, attentive and married. It started out innocently,
> but the attention he gave me was not what I needed or could handle at my
> current emotional state. But I enjoyed it. It wasn't long after before I
> found myself in an affair that lasted for a year and a half. All during
> this time I was still coming to Church! The initialn bliss of the
> relationship quickly faded and I began to feel empty and lonely again. This
> was definitely not the answer. However, I could not give it up. It took
> some serious prayer and crying out to God for me to get out of it. The
> enemy knew exactly what he was doing as this man had all the physical,
> emotional and material attributes I was looking for. He had definitely
> become a stronghold on my emotions. The good news is God is still able!
> Once I confessed what I was involved in and had someone hold me accountable
> I was on the road to deliverance. I also prayed and fed my spirit with the
> word and reading spiritual books dealing with purity and being strong in
> God. That was how I was able to get free.
>
> However, I still did not have complete victory over sexual sin. A year ago
> I again found myself in a sexually compromising situation. It was at that
> time that I had had enough. During my prayer for forgiveness I told God
> that I was going to be sexually pure even if it killed me and I meant it
> this time! I have since read spiritually radical books dealing with
> singleness and purity by Michelle Mckinney Hammond and Tye Adams. Those
> books have really ministered to me , encouraged me and have given me
> practical advise. I have since been learning how to control my mind, and
> guard my eyes and ears. I have also changed the people I hang out with. At
> this stage I am willing to do whatever it takes to maintain my sexually
> purity.
>
> The reality is my next battle will determine my spiritual strength. In the
> meantime I am preparing my spiritual weapons and getting ready for battle.
> Who knows this may be an issue I'll have to battle with for a while, but I
> now know the enemies tactics and is not ignorant of his devices and I intend
> to keep fighting! Going to Church on Sundays and Wednesdays is not enough,
> I also have to daily fight the battles in my mind, decisions and actions. I
> have to stay in his presence as I cannot do it alone. I have learned to be
> real and honest with myself about the struggles and strongholds in my life
> so I can use the right spirtual strategy. More importantly I have learned
> that only when I hate my sin enough to want to change and do whatever it
> takes to change, will God deliver me. Remember God will not deliver us from
> what we like but what we hate.
>
> Stay strong...Gayann